My beautiful mother, who suffers from Alzheimers, lost her breast today in order to survive cancer. She was the best mom ever, and I miss her because I’m not sure who this lady is. This is for Mom:

SLIPPING

She was my rock
My shelter in storm
The Beauty who led me
to safe solid ground.
She made herself up
Taught me vanity
now she’s falling to pieces before me.
Her hair strings a clip
plastered to her head,
her thoughts all spotty
as the light quietly dies.
I’m jealous
Time robs her
God wants her
I’ll never see her child-grin again.
Never thought she’d go while she’s still here

See it with some graphics at the poetry page by clicking on “Slipping”. (Popups and Javascript required.)

Read this first:
Write Your Own Life by David A. Berman.

It feels appropro this week, as I move from worker to writer, as I quest for the story I’m MEANT to write, and write the story that feels good too.

What would I write if I had that pen? It’s something I think about whenever I watch “Lost”. If my plane crashed on a deserted isle, and I survived intact, what would I do? I’d be digging through the remains of the plane, salvaging paper and pens and pencils, and writing. I’d try to learn how to make paper, and write.

Or maybe, I’d be camp storyteller. That too is a possibility. “Write your own life” is an article about possibility, but it blends everything I am at this point in time. I’m trying to figure out how to live a remarkable life, and live it through writing. I don’t know the answer yet, but I’m close on the trail.

I do know that writing has given me: peace, healing, sanity, joy, self-confidence, and love in the past few weeks. In fact, with the exception of the people I love, God and life itself, I can think of no bigger blessing than writing. Who’d have ever figured that?

This afternoon I was trying to catch up lost sleep, thanks to late late night company, and I suddenly remembered stories I had written ages ago and had not even THOUGHT of in years. I’d written what I thought were heart breakeningly lovely stories back in my early 20s about messed up (sub in the appropriate term) teens, going through unbelievable odds. These teens lived the life I lived, with drugs and alcohol, sex and profanity, truancy and petty larceny. Not that I did ALL of that, just some, and I was still a straight A student and most people thought I was a pretty good girl - friends included. I put these characters in compromising situation - tough as an adult, but worse as a teen - and mixed up stories of people I knew and stories that horrified me on the news. It was some good stuff, not all of it truly complete, but I hadn’t conjured up these stories in years, and I wondered if I should collect them. I wonder if it’s corruptive to write this type of stuff. It’s real, that’s for sure.

On my site, if you read the TINY excerpt from Burnt, Part 1, you’ll see the beginnings of the tale of a misfigured boy from a broken home, who befriends and ultimately becomes romantic with a very badly damaged girl.

I don’t know. These stories have a really special place in my heart, but they are hard stories, real and uncompromising. I don’t know if they are the best things I’ve ever written - or the worst.

Been on a break from editiing due to illness and overnight guests, so I guess it’s back to work now.

In “Bird by Bird”, Anne Lamott writes about this radio stations, which plays self-pitying, self-loathsome music about how badly you SUCK in one ear, and meanwhile raps on about your appearance on Letterman and all your great success to come in the other.

Well, it was playing loud and clear today only the programming was strictly about how pitiful my writing is. I’ve never quite felt this way, and I blame American Idol. A long long LONG time ago, I wanted to be a singer more than anything else, and I supposed if I’d had the proper encouragement, opportunity, and DISCIPLINE I could have done it. Turned out God had other plans (like the ONE day I was in a rock band at age 14), but that’s ok, I learned to live without it, and just sing in church and too my kids, and WHO cares if I’m off key? (Unless of course Simon Cowell stops by my church, and oh, just the thought is too funny - wouldn’t he be repelled at the door?)

Then I’m cleaning up the kitchen and I’m thinking about these poor sods who really do believe they have talent and they’ve got BIG FAT NOTHIN’! I went to clean up the kitchen and KFKD was playing loud and apparently DJ’d tonight by Simon himself, only now he’s a smug and heartless expert on writing and I’VE GOT NOTHIN! GO HOME! THAT WAS THE WORST THING I’VE EVER READ!

I feel like I was once good, GREAT even, and now, who knows? I’m too alone in this process. I need some damn support, and fast.

Ok, I think I mentioned I joined Forward Motion Writer’s Community, after learning about it on Holly Lisle’s site, and it’s paying off already! I discovered two REALLY useful links. If you’re doing Scifi or Fantasy and you need help world building, you can check out:Fantasy WorldBuilding Questions. BOY did I need this!

Then I was learning more about the boards and found: Nation States. Too cool, and it kills time. Ugh!!

Last night I was too wiped out from my daughter’s 3rd birthday party to edit, but tonight I did 10 pages to make up. (I’m revising 3 pages a night.) Once again, I have Holly Lisle to thank for that.

I also booked the URL for my nonfiction spiritual book, we’ll see how that goes. I’m psyched. I’m also pooped, so off to bed I go.

A while back, I found this fantastic site, Holly Lisle, who is a fantasy writer (what luck!). It had some great tips and I downloaded and read a portion of “Mugging the Muse”. I stumbled back across it tonight for someone else, and discovered that it’s EXACTLY what I need right now.

So currently my goal is to edit/review 5 pages a night of a currently 246 page draft. It’s more than that, because there is stuff I need to put in the middle.

Anyway, I decided just to go for it, and then came across a bit on one-pass revisioning, and I wonder if I should do that. In the meanwhile, I joined the bulletin boards at the site but they were so overwhelming so I stopped browing and started working and ended up doing 7 pages. Cool.

Now I’m having some issue because I’m wondering if I should still be doing my business. Writing more than one book, running a biz and raising 2 little ones, one with very mild Down’s, is HARD. Not to mention living life, being actively spiritual and charitable, and oh yea, there’s a truly wonderful husband, a mom with Alzheimer’s in need of help, and housework - which just got bigger as we can’t afford a housekeeper as of this year.

Is there a way to get rid of sleep?? LOL…

I’m feeling led spiritually to write something “completely different”. This is how it started: I felt like I should be doing some more to share my spirituality. After thinking about it, I thought my story, which is just FULL of divine intervention, should be written and published. (I have a working title but I’m not going to share it since I see the URL name is AMAZINGLY still available and I’m awaiting my stolen credit card replacement to book it.)

I went from thinking of memoir (think Anne Lamott style, “Traveling Mercies” type story), to something a little different. I was watching Dr. Phil (yes, I know, it’s terrible, but I’m addicted at 3pm every day) and he had Star Jones Reynolds from the View on. She wrote a new book and while she can annoy at times, I was actually intrigued because this was not exactly a “how to” book (on how to be more fabulous and find love), it was more, according to her, of “what worked for me”. So then I thought, that’s a great idea. I can write what worked for me. I also wonder if there’s others who feel the way I do. Christianity, I believe, is a true path, but for me it was never enough and there were beliefs I had outside of it.

The idea is for people to embrace who they truly are with regard to spirit, and to find God within that - that’s what I did, and I found God loud and clear. I’m practicing Christianity now, but I do have disagreements with the religion (as a whole) and things I believe outside of its teachings. It took me a REALLY long time and lots of tears to be ok with that, and I want to help others, and just maybe give them hope and make them laugh (or cry, whatever, lol).

The caveat (isn’t there always one) is presenting spiritual truths because I’m terribly afraid of writing something spiritually incorrect, which would be dangerous in all kinds of ways. So I guess if I do this, I’d have to have God lead me line by line. Oy.

I also came up with an idea of a podcasting / Internet radio show with speakers, perhaps monthly or more, to speak on spiritual matters, things addressed outside the book. I’d love if attendees could be cross-denominational - more faiths than just Christianity. That would be ideal.

Is this a nutty idea? Would anyone read a book like that from some unknown like me?

I finally feel like I am getting serious. I updated and printed my “long sheet” - steps that are going to happen with a little detail, then created one line bullet points for the story. Whew. Now I’m feeling like a real writer.

Listened today to part of Writers on Writing with Audrey Niffeneggar, author of the simply amazing “The Time Traveller’s Wife”, and I HAVE to reread it. Her prose are so amazing.

Now I know what to do with my Christmas iPod…lots of writing podcasts, cool.

I actually thought (and am still thinking) of writing a non-fiction book on spirituality (and/or parenting), and while I was considering how I could use and share what I know, it seemed impossibly simple that people in my life could be used. My mom has Alzheimer’s and her journey could very much parallel my protagonist’s mother’s journey from Sorcerer Queen to God-like icon. I need a better fix on who to model the other characters on.

Yea, I’m editing my fantasy and that’s what I’ve written - what I wrote - during Nanowrimo. Paragraphs and paragraphs of technical, unfeeling crap. This entire book needs to be rewritten.

oh, joy joy.